ROUTINE: A SHORT STORY

I wake up.
My room is messy. I hate messy. It makes me nervous. Why is it so messy? Clean it; clean it, clean it, clean it. Okay I will. I make my bed and lay my favorite teddy bear on my pillow. My teddy bear reminds me of lavender and the color red. I got it at the fair. The fair was really loud. Scary and loud.  I nod my head; the fair was very scary and loud.

Time to pray.
I kneel at the edge of my bed and pray for forgiveness. He doesn’t care for your forgiveness he just wants your soul. Well he can’t have it. But he will don’t you see he has everyone else’s. Shut up. Your daddy. Shut up. Your sister. Shut up. Your dog. I SAID SHUT UP. Mother opens the door and she scolds me. She says Jeremiah stop that yelling and pray. You’ve got to pray or you’ll be damned. I’m already damned I say my headaches are worse and the voices – she stops me. She doesn’t want to hear about the voices. Pray them away boy she says pray them away and if you are worthy God will wipe the voices clear of your mind. You’ll need more than God to get rid of us. Maybe a bullet to the brain will do it. Jeremiah lets go; we have church in 15 minutes.

We’re at church and everything feels wrong.

I don’t feel safe and this is the last place I shouldn’t feel safe. You’ve sinned; God’s trying to cleanse your wretched soul. I didn’t! You did. I Didn’t! You did. I’m sobbing because I did. The other night I locked myself into the bathroom and looked up videos of naked woman doing dirty things while I touched myself. I wasn’t thinking of god. But you were thinking of taking both women at the same time. Oh god. I sobbed loud, broken, earth shattering sobs that swallowed me whole. Crying isn’t going to land you a saving hand. Just stop please. People are staring; I’m at the back of the church sitting in the pew sobbing loudly. Mother is in the front with the priest looking furious at me. I sob some more.

We’re back home and I wish the earth would swallow me whole.
You foolish boy, do you know how bad you made me look at church? That is my home; my sanctuary and you’ve ruined it! Mama has tears streaming down her pretty face I apologized and promise I’ll behave better next time. No you wont. There won’t be a next time. She replies furiously. Mama please. I hate you. God forgive me but I hate the bastard God cursed me with. I should’ve never sinned with your damn father – look what it’s brought me. She’s looking straight at me and I see disgust in her eyes. She says that because of her being tempted by the devil and lying with a man for pleasure he cursed her with a damned child. He cursed her with me. You’re a curse, you’re a curse. No one wants you. No one, no one, no one.

I run out the house. I keep running until my legs cramp up and my lungs burn like hell. You would know. I’m in a park and it’s so cold. I can see my breath and swirling in front of me. Excuse me. I yell and stumble away from the voice. It wasn’t familiar it wasn’t Mama’s or the ones in my head. You seem a bit frazzled I just wanted to see if you’re okay. A girl is talking to me. She is tall and had lovely blonde hair in a ponytail. She is wearing a black and pink jogger suit and she had pretty blue eyes. She smells like grapefruit. I say nothing.  Hey man are you okay? You don’t look so good. Her voice gets deeper and she’s talking slower and all I can see is her pink, pink lips and her pretty blonde hair and her gorgeous blue eyes. Want. Screaming. The screaming is so loud I just want it to stop. Stop. Stop. The screaming stops. I’m in an alley and I’m on top of the pretty blonde girl with the gorgeous blue eyes except they’re closed. They’re closed and her pants are off and she’s bleeding and she doesn’t move. She doesn’t move.

I wake up.
My room is messy. I hate messy. It makes me nervous. Why is it so messy? Clean it; clean it, clean it, clean it. Okay I will. I make my bed and lay my favorite teddy bear on my pillow. My teddy bear reminds me of lavender and the color red. I got it at the fair. The fair was really loud. Scary and loud.  I nod my head; the fair was very scary and loud. I wrap my purple scarf around my teddy. It smells like grapefruit and reminds me of the color red.

Written by: Kimberly Santana
Photo by: Ault Park